Just because I’m losing
Doesn’t mean I’m lost!
Doesn’t mean I’ll stop
Doesn’t mean I’m across

Just because I’m hurting
Doesn’t mean I’m hurt
Doesn’t mean I don’t get what I deserved
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
Oh and I’m just waiting ‘til the shine wears off

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn’t mean you’ve won
‘Cause a long may come
A bigger one

And you’ll be lost
Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Oh and I’m just waiting until the firing stopped
Oh and I’m just waiting ‘til the shine wears off

[Jay-Z]
Aha, I gotcha, uh…
With the same sword they knight you, they gon’ good night you with
Shit, that’s only half if they like you
That ain’t even the half what they might do
Don’t believe me, ask Michael
See Martin, see Malcolm
See Biggie, see Pac, see success and its outcome
See Jesus, see Judas
See Caesar, see Brutus, see success is like suicide
Suicide, it’s a suicide
If you succeed, prepare to be crucified
Media meddles, niggaz sue you, you settle
Every step you take, they remind you you’re ghetto
So it’s tough being Bobby Brown
To be Bobby then, you have to be Bobby now
And the question is, “Is to have had and lost
Better than not having at all?”
Because I’m…

Oh and I, just waiting ‘til the shine wears off
Oh and I, just waiting ‘til the shine wears off

I was reading a post from a blogger I check out time to time named Marcus Troy. Today he wrote for another blog that kinda gives you a chance to say your piece. Its was created as a collective outlet for people to share their world, their perspective, their insights - in their words. Marcus wrote a real nice piece on viewing life as a highway. I really dug it. It reminded me of the Tom Cochrane song that was redone by Rascal Flatts. This is what he posted:

Life is like a highway.

6. Accidents do happen! Sometimes we’re doing everything right, we are minding our business, driving in our lane, paying attentions to the signs and bang! We get into an accident. I believe everything happens for a reason. No matter how well you are driving sometimes the people who are around you driving reckless crash into you and damaged your car or even kill you. The negative influences around you can be detrimental to your travels on the highway of life. Accidents that slow you up on the highway can be the obstacles that come up in life when everything is going great. How you deal in life when faced with those obstacles (like road blocks) will determine how quickly you get to your destination.

True words that make you think!

Kanye West - 808’s & Heartbreak - Street Lights

| Let me know | Do I still got time to grow | Things ain’t always set in stone | That be known let me know | Let me…seems like… | Street lights glowing | Happen to be just like moments passing in front of me | So I hopped in the cab and I paid my fare | See I know my destination but I’m just not there | All the street lights glowing | Happen to be just like moments passing in front of me | So I hopped in the cab and I paid my fare | See I know my destination but I’m just not there | In the streets | In the streets | I’m just not there | In the streets | I’m just not there | Life’s just not fair | Seems like | Street lights glowing | Happen to be just like moments passing in front of me | So I hopped in the cab and I paid my fare | See I know my destination but I’m just not there | All the street lights glowing | Happen to be just like moments passing in front of me | So I hopped in the cab and I paid my fare | See I know my destination but I’m just not there | All the street lights glowing | Happen to be just like moments passing in front of me | So I hopped in the cab and I paid my fare | See I know my destination but I’m just not there | In the streets | In the streets | I’m just not
there | In the streets | I’m just not there | Life’s just not fair | Life’s just not fair |

In September 2008, I kind of went on a “pilgrimage” (via modern day transportation, not on foot). This wasn’t a planned journey, however it was a journey that has revolved my perspective on who I am as a man, son, brother, and future father. This journey enriched my story of where I come from. And only the top layer was scratched…..

I had an opportunity to pay my grandfather, Lawrence Riddick Sr., a surprise visit. A visit that I was led to think, he thought would not happen again before he perished. See I have only met my grandfather 4 times in my life, this time being the fourth. As astonishing as that may sound, this scenario surprisingly occurs in many families like mine. You can begin to point the finger on why this happens, but then you realize there is no latitude in that.

It started out as a simple quest to “just see him,” period. But that quest evolved into one that was to dig and trench for an understanding of who he was. Simultaneously that offered me an opportunity to see where I came from. My parents divorced when I was young so a gap in the relationship with my father existed as well. There was a yearning in getting to know both men for many obvious reasons, but after a while your scabs from the scars bury the original reasons. In my case, bearing the same name became the most exciting reason.

Two full days - thats it. I came in remembering two things embedded in my memory, his stature and his home address. After getting past the fuzzy feelings of seeing what each other look like and talking about who you seen last and how long its been - we were left with silence. See you really don’t understand who a person is when you don’t have a relationship with them. And if you don’t know what their interests, passions, and involvements are - you really don’t know what to say. Some say well all you have to do is ask and you will find out, you know - probe a little bit. In the end, a little bit of that happens, but you are talking about two men who strikingly resemble each other in not saying much. It seemed to take a little bit of prying to open him up, but once open, you find a massive amount of substance. When I recognized that we were similar in those respects I was inspired, but I also recognized that I had to put my pry bar to work. Being in his senior years and living with pancreatic cancer (its the rare case that Steve Jobs of Apple has), he is practically left with a strict routine of survival tactics. You would think that being pronounced with 6 months to live, 16 years ago, would be his greatest accomplishment. It is, but challenges in his early years are what, in my opinion, left him able to sustain through this challenge.

My grandfather was just shy of his teens when World War II began. His mother died when he was 10 years old, which in his stories, you can tell was very painful for him. That pain and irony was passed through to my father in which his mother too passed when he was young, at 17. My grandfather being the oldest, took care of all his sisters and brothers. He had 3 sisters and 2 brothers. With the youngest, having no memory of his mother at all. He grew up on a farm, like most people did back then, tending to his father’s crops. See his dad had a small farm, but his dad worked at another man’s farm. The kids tended to Daddy’s farm (as he put it), which made them money for school supplies and clothes. His dad made money to pay bills from working on the other farm. My grandad remembers many times that he had very few clothes for school and almost no school supplies, because the kids blew the money that they made on Daddy’s farm. With dad working all the time to make sure they could sustain, there was very little supervision. Unfortunately very little, if any, family stepped in to help with the void of his mother. So the kids just made the best decisions as they knew how.

They grew up right near Virginia Beach. When he told me this I saw an opportunity for him to recollect a bright spot in this part of his story. I asked my grandfather, “did you ever get to go to the beach?” He laughed. “The beach? We weren’t allowed to go no beach. White folks didn’t allow that son.” That question began to dispel the pain that he experienced from racism. I thought to myself - “well that goodwill gesture just went down the toilet.” However, this sentiment from him was not really surprising for someone his age. Blacks then still carried the fresh pain from the wrongs of previous generations and what they were experiencing currently at that time. Because even after the Emancipation Proclamation, inequality for blacks was still rampant. The evidence is in the links from a previous post of mine a while back.

Over the course of the next day I was there, I guess through our conversation, their observation of my appearance, they could see I had bad eating habits. They brought it up as any grandparent does and should, with chastisement and love. I say they, because my step-grandmother (my grandfather remarried), whom I have failed to mention until this point, takes care of my grandad. I guess I should say monitor, because she is a tough cookie. She does not baby nor cripple my grandad. In my opinion, I think she knows if he can stay mentally and physically strong, he increases his chances to survive longer. This means he takes care of himself most of the time. He still drives to pick up his medicine and around town to grab small grocery items. They tell me one after the other “You are going to need to start eating better.” I shamefully agree and promise I will. I carefully say to my grandad that, “I lack a wonderful wife to prepare meals for me.” He quickly tells me, “you better cook for yourself boy, thats what I had to do when I was growing up. I had to cook for all my brothers and sisters.” This topic became the bridge to what changed him and his siblings lives while they were very young.

The next day we went to visit one my grandad sister’s. She was a sweetheart and was very honored that I wanted to meet her. See one of the reoccurring traits that I see in this side of my family is that no one is really close. His sister quickly within seconds of me meeting her says, “See I talk, unlike your grandfather!” She began to tell stories and corroborate nearly everything my grandfather had said. I mean everything - even the story about how clocks (timepieces that hang on your wall) were rationed through World War II. I mean all this stuff was foreign to me. I had never until now, heard these stories from this time period, especially from someone so close to home.

My grandad began to divulge into how he cooked for his younger siblings while we were still at my great aunt’s house. He then went on to tell this story of one of the last times he played that “part” in their life, which is one morning he went to get food assistance from town. As he stood in a tremendously long line that day, he was denied food assistance when he got to the front of the line because they said they were out of food. Apparently anger boiled in my grandad because they still had enough to hand out food to whites in the long line across from him. Knowing how bad him and his siblings needed it, he lashed verbally at the woman denying him of the assistance. He didn’t receive food that day. But because of my grandfather’s frustrated response, the woman he lashed at submitted his name to be drafted early in the war. At that point, the story ended with an abrupt silence. That silence told me that there was a lot of pain associated with that event. And although my recollection of the story doesn’t dispel blatant racism, you can tell by he and his sister’s demeanor, that racism was in fact the root of the story. You know that vibe, cause its almost engrained in your upbringing as a black person.

There were many more stories between my grandfather and his sis, such as those “Do you remember so and so? Well they passed away…” At this point I knew that that story of him getting food assistance and the trip driving to his sister’s - these things started making him mentally and physically tired. He was ready to go home, plus he was late taking his medicine. I had taken him out of his routine of taking his medicine and eating on time. I feel I also took him out of his routine of burying those memories. Although bad memories, these are the experiences that I feel made him strong. Strong enough to battle his cancer and strong enough to live a full live, making his win column bigger.

Through more small conversations between me and him with us both dosing off to sleep almost in unison, he told, he taught, he reiterated to me that the trials that you may face in life may not be fair. But through your trial, if you fight through it, triumph can be on the other side. That was important for me to hear these things - FROM HIM. Not only do I have this man’s name, but he is my GRANDAD. I originated from this man. A man needs to hear these things from the men they come from. Its important. And although a lot of my guidance has come from my older brother who I hold dear to my heart. I still needed to hear this from Lawrence, Sr. He never led on to me that he was perfect and that he did everything right. I am sure he may have a few regrets, because although we fight it, we all will possibly leave with a few.

This was a pinnacle experience in my life. And I say that still hoping I get to see him again, not to just syphon more of these stories, but to just see him and spend time. This experience definitely help me grow as man and although it may have come unexpectedly and late according to my timepiece, it was right on time. I tell this story to not only dispel my thoughts and feelings of this event, but to also give my little brother a roadmap early on, to what Riddick means. Although not perfect and not prestigious, it has meaning. A meaning that me and him should honor and be proud of as men.

I started watching Californication last year when it debuted and man it is hands down, the…..best show…..on….TV - well at least 2nd best to “24.” Of course it is tantalizing with its sexual and flat out raunchy demeanor.  But the story line and well written script is also brilliant because it evokes your senses with drama, suspense, etc. Last year I thought Karen was hot, but this year she has been flat out gorgeous.  

Season 1 is on iTunes.  Season 2 is approaching end and my fix will be supplied with 24 in January.  Those two shows are truly the only tv show’s I “watch” on a regular basis.

This song with Norah Jones is super hot!! If you wanna grab the album click here.